Official site of composer Andrea Clearfield. Biography, list of works with audio, score samples, reviews and program notes, photographs, upcoming performances.
Scored for: Soprano and tenor soloists, 2 narrators, SATB chorus, string quartet and piano Text: Andrea Clearfield, based on open letters from a mother to her transgender son and a survivor of conversion therapy to their younger self Duration: 27:18 min. Premiere: November 6, 2022, Old South Church, Boston, 3pm Information here. Commissioned by: Coro Allegro Chorus, David Hodgkins, artistic director Published by: Angelfire Press, distributed by Black Tea Music. Contact Trudy Chan for score and parts or contact Andrea:
WATCH (dress rehearsal for premiere at Old South Church, Boston)
NOTES
A mother writes to her transgender son on his 5th birthday to affirm who he always was. A survivor of conversion therapy writes to their younger self with gratitude for the courage it took to survive.
Performing Ensemble Quote
“Here I Am: I Am Here” is based on actual letters: a loving letter from a mother, Mimi, to her transgender son Jacob; and a letter of validation from the non-binary adult, Sam, to their younger self. The narratives explore the misconceptions and fears of parents who are initially unable to accept their children, as well as the pain of the children dealing with gender identity, conversion therapy, and suicidal ideation. Clearfield’s exploration of the texts formed the basis for building the musical architecture of the piece. The meticulously crafted, concise libretto cuts to the essence of each narrative, continually circling back to every person’s origin story. Clearfield’s musical language-comprising biting atonal motifs, painfully
beautiful melodies, light-hearted up-tempo pieces, and agitated rhythmic patterns-captures the libretto’s full range of emotion. As states continue to introduce harmful, anti-trans legislation, the themes of ‘Here I Am’ will resonate with our audience. Andrea Clearfield’s work is a beautiful exploration and an urgent call to allyship, and we are particularly thrilled that she will attend and give remarks at the concert.”
— Cynthia Powell, Artistic Director, The Stonewall Chorale
Commissioner/Premiere Conductor Quote
“The experience of working with Andrea was extraordinary. With both of us being very experienced with commissioning new works, the process was very smooth. I had to limit the size of the instrumental ensemble because of our budget size, (string quartet, piano, 2 soloists, 2 narrators, and chorus), and her inventive and infectious use of those forces was stunning. The colors and emotions were incredibly varied yet the intensions were always crystal clear. The music is beautifully crafted; she somehow created a work that is at once complex and accessible to both the performers and listeners.
The work is about 30 minutes in length and written in sections but is essentially through composed. The symbiotic intertwining of the two stories weaves a seamless tapestry that can only be told as a whole. Anguish, pain, joy, relief, tenderness, and affection all play a significant part of the journey that ends with love and acceptance for both stories.There are very few composers, if any, that could have accomplished what she did with such clarity and elegance.
Her artistic standards are impeccable. It is clear that she crafts music of the highest order, but it is the union of the music and the messaging that makes Andrea’s music so powerful. More and more, Andrea has been tackling issues involving the LGBTQ+ communities, and her thoughtfulness and perceptiveness is just what is needed as we all embrace – and celebrate – all of the nuanced challenges that are before us these days. For the messaging to be heard, the music conveying that message must be superb, and Andrea delivers that and more.It is clear that in our current world, musical integrity and issues of social justice can intertwine to give voice to those who have been previously silenced. Andrea is that rare combination of brilliant artist, empathetic listener, and thoughtful communicator whose compositions can bring those marginalized voices to life.” — David Hodgkins, Artistic Director, Coro Allegro
“Clearfield introduced all the components of the score…to striking effect.” “Using these soul-baring stories to create a compelling musical narrative was no small assignment, particularly when their authors were also participating in the performance; Andrea Clearfield employed sensitivity and skill, resulting in a fine work that received thunderous acclaim.”
How you can help – Join the letters project!
Coro Allegro and Community Partners like Boston Alliance of LGBTQ+ Youth and the Mass Transgenders Political Coalition are gathering and sharing other letters from the LGBTQ+ community and allies to support queer youth and their families. They invite you to join with an open letter of your own. Learn more here.
It started with a birth (Chorus)
I am here.
And then I heard you.
Here I am.
Narration (Mimi): A birth became my world, a world that began to collapse
when I discovered the price my child would have to pay to live an authentic life.
I prepared your sister and our home for your arrival – matching dresses in pink and purple…
When we finally met, you were momentarily silent. You didn’t whimper,
you didn’t cry, you roared “Here I am!”
It started with a birth (Chorus)
Here I am! (Tenor solo)
Here I am! (Chorus)
Hello Princess. (Soprano solo)
I’m your Mama.
I am here.
II: A Mother’s Love (1) (soprano solo)
So how much do we love you?
Eternally.
The length and width of the universe, and then some.
And then some.
And then some.
And then some… (Mimi: narrator)
And then. and then… (chorus)
III: Our Em is a Quirky Girl
Our Em is a quirky girl. (Chorus)
No princess like her sister, that’s for sure.
Only picking boy parts for role play these days.
Role play, play acting, role play, pretend.
Role play, play acting, role play, pretend.
(Soprano solo)
Call her James, or Jackson, or Max or Jake
Even when no one else is play acting.
Our Em is a quirky girl, quirky, quirky girl (Chorus)
And Em. Hates. Pink!
Narration (Mimi):
This is our Em. A unique spirit. A force to be reckoned with, our Em.
Our Em is a quirky girl. (Chorus)
No princess like her sister, so we think.
Wearing a tutu stinks!
Only wearing blue, black and grey
Role play, role play, blue, black, grey.
Our Em is a quirky girl, quirky girl, quirky, quirky girl.
And Em. Hates. Pink!
Em is a Force!
At the Crossroads #1:
Soprano solo: I am here.
Tenor solo: Here I am (sung). I am a boy (whispered).
Chorus (whispered texture: I am a boy, a boy)
IV: Not My Little Girl
Pretend, pretending, a boy, an obsession, a whim. (Chorus)
Not my little girl. (Soprano)
The clothing, the colors, the names, the punching and wailing and screaming. (Chorus)
Pretend, pretend, pretending a boy, an obsession, a whim.
Not my little girl, not my baby girl, not happening. (Soprano)
Narration (Mimi): (over chorus)
I am losing you, my precious daughter. You are slipping from my grasp, hurtling into a void.
I feel helpless. My world is starting to unravel.
The clothing, the colors, the names, the punching and wailing and screaming. (Chorus)
Pretend, pretending, pretending a boy, another obsession, a whim.
This is no game.
There is no pretend.
Transgender. Suicide risk.
What is the treatment? What is the cure?
Not my little girl, not my baby girl.
Not happening, not happening, please wake up!
V: Keep Things Fluid/Fracture (Chorus)
Narration (Mimi):
I’m listening.
Keep things fluid (Chorus)
Keep the door open.
Keep listening.
Soprano solo:
Keep things fluid
Keep the door open.
Keep listening.
Cut your hair, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl,
Cut your hair, grey and blue, home and school, living as two.
FRACTURE
Out of box, cut your hair, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl, home and school,
live as two, ride the storm.
FRACTURE
Cut your hair, out of box, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl, home and school,
live two lives, show support, ride the storm, listen more.
Keep things fluid.
Keep things fluid.
FRACTURE
PART II
VI: Here I am: I am here
It started, it started with a birth.
Here I am. (Chorus – reprise of opening)
Narration (Sam):
It started when I was 11 and told my father I wasn’t interested in my friend’s
Playboy magazine but found Dale, a cute high school boy, “more interesting”.
It started with a birth. (Chorus)
I am here. (Soprano)
Here I am. (Chorus and tenor)
My parents were both Southern Baptist missionaries. Out of their deeply held faith and misguided love,
they took me to a conversion therapist to cure me of my homosexuality. He told me:
“You are the only gay person left alive. All the rest have died of AIDS.
You are an abomination in the sight of God.”
It started with a birth. (Chorus)
Here I am. (Chorus)
God hates me. God hates Sam. (Tenor)
VII: The Treatment/The Cure
Burning ice/touching men, burning cold/kissing men, burning, heating coils/touching men,
heating coils/holding men, needles, small needles, electric shock/sex with men,
electric shock/wanting men, wanting, hell on earth. I want to die. (Chorus)
I want to die. (Tenor)
Narration (Sam):
My hands were bound to a table with leather straps. Blocks of ice were placed in each hand.
My conversion ‘therapy’ consisted of images of men holding hands paired with physical pain.
Then the ‘therapist’ used hot copper coils. Finally, he showed me images of men engaged in
sexual acts while electrodes delivered shocks to my fingertips.
I want to die (Tenor Solo)
VIII: Dear God, Make Me Straight (tenor and soprano solos with chorus)
Dear God, dear God, dear God, make me straight.
Dear God, dear God, make me straight. (Tenor Solo)
I will love you, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Dear God, dear God, dear God, make me change.
Dear God, I’m dying. This will kill me.
Dear God, I am completely alone. (Tenor Solo)
Dear God, make him straight, make him change.
I will love you, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Save his soul, go to heaven, save your soul, just change (Chorus)
Dear God, dear God, make me straight.
Dear God, dear God, make me change. (Tenor Solo)
Just change. (Chorus)
I will love you again, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Dear God, dear God. (Tenor Solo)
At the Crossroads #2:
Alone. Sequestered. Hidden. Afraid. Stranded. Tortured. Ruined. God hates me.
Alone. Abandoned by God. Sequestered. Alone. To die. (Chorus)
Mommy, I tried. I really tried. (Tenor)
Narration (Sam): I was going to jump off the roof, and my mom found me. I told her that
God had changed me. I lied. I wanted the pain to stop. I knew it was a sin to lie,
but it was a greater sin to commit suicide. Mommy, I tried.
MIMI
At the crossroads #3
Lost, stranded, walls, shutting down, pain, doesn’t belong…with the girls, with the boys.
Lost. Em’s pain. Em’s palpable pain. Em is lost at the crossroads. (Chorus)
Narration (Mimi): You cried: “What’s wrong with my body? Why did God make me like this?”
Em’s Lost. Show her the way. (Chorus)
What is the way? (Narrator: Mimi)
How can we know, at the crossroads? (Chorus)
What if? (Narrator: Mimi)
IX: A Mother’s Love (2) (Soprano solo with chorus)
So how much do we love you?
Eternally.
The length and width of the universe, and then some.
And then some.
And then some.
Narration (Mimi): You sat at the edge of a gaggle of girls…and looked up at a group of boys
being disciplined by their mothers for running amok…and the look on your face skewered me.
It was a hunger I had never seen before. You weren’t confused. You knew where you belonged.
X: The time is now
Tenor solo: I want to be a boy, always. I want to be a boy named Jacob.
Soprano solo: I believe you.
Chorus: We believe you.
You know where you belong.
Soprano solo: Jacob, my love.
EPILOGUE: Love Letters
A letter to My Younger Self: “Oh beautiful, Little Sam”
Oh, little, beautiful Sam. There’s nothing to change. You are a perfect, beautiful little boy.
Live life, little Sam, and know that you are loved.
Narration (Sam): Oh, little beautiful Sam. I, the grown up you, am here to tell you that you tried more
than you ever should have. I wish I could have been with you on the rooftop when you tried to take your life.
But I am here now, to thank you for surviving. [You will live to meet your love on a special day.
And it will feel beautiful. You will ask him to marry you, and he will say yes]. Live life, little Sam, and
know that you are loved.
A Letter to My Son: “Jacob, my love”
Narration (Mimi): I have seen and wish to share remarkable things. In those early days as Jacob,
I saw the most authentic parts, in the deepest reaches of you, begin to unfold. I saw you take your first huge breaths.
At first there was a silence, as you paused to take in the new world around you, and then you roared: I AM HERE!!
It was then that I realized that we had indeed met before, but I had not truly recognized you that first time.
[It was then that my grief began to depart.]
Soprano solo:
I knew in my soul that you had always been my son, Jacob.
And so always,
All my love, Mom.
Chorus:
Here I am. I am here.
Narration (Sam): Live life, little Sam.
Narration (Mimi): Jacob, my love, always, my love.
Here I Am:I Am Here
Scored for: Soprano and tenor soloists, 2 narrators, SATB chorus, string quartet and piano
Text: Andrea Clearfield, based on open letters from a mother to her transgender son and a survivor of conversion therapy to their younger self
Duration: 27:18 min.
Premiere: November 6, 2022, Old South Church, Boston, 3pm Information here.
Commissioned by: Coro Allegro Chorus, David Hodgkins, artistic director
Published by: Angelfire Press, distributed by Black Tea Music. Contact Trudy Chan for score and parts or contact Andrea:
See a preview score
Clearfield_Andrea_Here I Am_I Am Here_FULL SCORE
LISTEN (5 minute excerpt)
WATCH (dress rehearsal for premiere at Old South Church, Boston)
NOTES
A mother writes to her transgender son on his 5th birthday to affirm who he always was. A survivor of conversion therapy writes to their younger self with gratitude for the courage it took to survive.
Performing Ensemble Quote
“Here I Am: I Am Here” is based on actual letters: a loving letter from a mother, Mimi, to her transgender son Jacob; and a letter of validation from the non-binary adult, Sam, to their younger self. The narratives explore the misconceptions and fears of parents who are initially unable to accept their children, as well as the pain of the children dealing with gender identity, conversion therapy, and suicidal ideation. Clearfield’s exploration of the texts formed the basis for building the musical architecture of the piece. The meticulously crafted, concise libretto cuts to the essence of each narrative, continually circling back to every person’s origin story. Clearfield’s musical language-comprising biting atonal motifs, painfully
beautiful melodies, light-hearted up-tempo pieces, and agitated rhythmic patterns-captures the libretto’s full range of emotion. As states continue to introduce harmful, anti-trans legislation, the themes of ‘Here I Am’ will resonate with our audience. Andrea Clearfield’s work is a beautiful exploration and an urgent call to allyship, and we are particularly thrilled that she will attend and give remarks at the concert.”
— Cynthia Powell, Artistic Director, The Stonewall Chorale
Commissioner/Premiere Conductor Quote
“The experience of working with Andrea was extraordinary. With both of us being very experienced with commissioning new works, the process was very smooth. I had to limit the size of the instrumental ensemble because of our budget size, (string quartet, piano, 2 soloists, 2 narrators, and chorus), and her inventive and infectious use of those forces was stunning. The colors and emotions were incredibly varied yet the intensions were always crystal clear. The music is beautifully crafted; she somehow created a work that is at once complex and accessible to both the performers and listeners.
The work is about 30 minutes in length and written in sections but is essentially through composed. The symbiotic intertwining of the two stories weaves a seamless tapestry that can only be told as a whole. Anguish, pain, joy, relief, tenderness, and affection all play a significant part of the journey that ends with love and acceptance for both stories.There are very few composers, if any, that could have accomplished what she did with such clarity and elegance.
Her artistic standards are impeccable. It is clear that she crafts music of the highest order, but it is the union of the music and the messaging that makes Andrea’s music so powerful. More and more, Andrea has been tackling issues involving the LGBTQ+ communities, and her thoughtfulness and perceptiveness is just what is needed as we all embrace – and celebrate – all of the nuanced challenges that are before us these days. For the messaging to be heard, the music conveying that message must be superb, and Andrea delivers that and more.It is clear that in our current world, musical integrity and issues of social justice can intertwine to give voice to those who have been previously silenced. Andrea is that rare combination of brilliant artist, empathetic listener, and thoughtful communicator whose compositions can bring those marginalized voices to life.” — David Hodgkins, Artistic Director, Coro Allegro
REVIEW
Boston Musical Intelligencer:”A Chorus Accepting Themselves” by Geoffrey Wieting.
“Clearfield introduced all the components of the score…to striking effect.” “Using these soul-baring stories to create a compelling musical narrative was no small assignment, particularly when their authors were also participating in the performance; Andrea Clearfield employed sensitivity and skill, resulting in a fine work that received thunderous acclaim.”
How you can help – Join the letters project!
Coro Allegro and Community Partners like Boston Alliance of LGBTQ+ Youth and the Mass Transgenders Political Coalition are gathering and sharing other letters from the LGBTQ+ community and allies to support queer youth and their families. They invite you to join with an open letter of your own. Learn more here.
LISTEN (5 minute excerpt)
Libretto
HERE I AM: I AM HERE
Music and Libretto by Andrea Clearfield
© 2020 by Andrea Clearfield, based on writings by Mimi Lemay and Sam Brinton. Used with permission.
PART I
Prologue
Here I am (Soprano)
I: Here I am
It started with a birth (Chorus)
I am here.
And then I heard you.
Here I am.
Narration (Mimi): A birth became my world, a world that began to collapse
when I discovered the price my child would have to pay to live an authentic life.
I prepared your sister and our home for your arrival – matching dresses in pink and purple…
When we finally met, you were momentarily silent. You didn’t whimper,
you didn’t cry, you roared “Here I am!”
It started with a birth (Chorus)
Here I am! (Tenor solo)
Here I am! (Chorus)
Hello Princess. (Soprano solo)
I’m your Mama.
I am here.
II: A Mother’s Love (1) (soprano solo)
So how much do we love you?
Eternally.
The length and width of the universe, and then some.
And then some.
And then some.
And then some… (Mimi: narrator)
And then. and then… (chorus)
III: Our Em is a Quirky Girl
Our Em is a quirky girl. (Chorus)
No princess like her sister, that’s for sure.
Only picking boy parts for role play these days.
Role play, play acting, role play, pretend.
Role play, play acting, role play, pretend.
(Soprano solo)
Call her James, or Jackson, or Max or Jake
Even when no one else is play acting.
Our Em is a quirky girl, quirky, quirky girl (Chorus)
And Em. Hates. Pink!
Narration (Mimi):
This is our Em. A unique spirit. A force to be reckoned with, our Em.
Our Em is a quirky girl. (Chorus)
No princess like her sister, so we think.
Wearing a tutu stinks!
Only wearing blue, black and grey
Role play, role play, blue, black, grey.
Our Em is a quirky girl, quirky girl, quirky, quirky girl.
And Em. Hates. Pink!
Em is a Force!
At the Crossroads #1:
Soprano solo: I am here.
Tenor solo: Here I am (sung). I am a boy (whispered).
Chorus (whispered texture: I am a boy, a boy)
IV: Not My Little Girl
Pretend, pretending, a boy, an obsession, a whim. (Chorus)
Not my little girl. (Soprano)
The clothing, the colors, the names, the punching and wailing and screaming. (Chorus)
Pretend, pretend, pretending a boy, an obsession, a whim.
Not my little girl, not my baby girl, not happening. (Soprano)
Narration (Mimi): (over chorus)
I am losing you, my precious daughter. You are slipping from my grasp, hurtling into a void.
I feel helpless. My world is starting to unravel.
The clothing, the colors, the names, the punching and wailing and screaming. (Chorus)
Pretend, pretending, pretending a boy, another obsession, a whim.
This is no game.
There is no pretend.
Transgender. Suicide risk.
What is the treatment? What is the cure?
Not my little girl, not my baby girl.
Not happening, not happening, please wake up!
V: Keep Things Fluid/Fracture (Chorus)
Narration (Mimi):
I’m listening.
Keep things fluid (Chorus)
Keep the door open.
Keep listening.
Soprano solo:
Keep things fluid
Keep the door open.
Keep listening.
Cut your hair, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl,
Cut your hair, grey and blue, home and school, living as two.
FRACTURE
Out of box, cut your hair, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl, home and school,
live as two, ride the storm.
FRACTURE
Cut your hair, out of box, grey and blue, open-shut, boy and girl, home and school,
live two lives, show support, ride the storm, listen more.
Keep things fluid.
Keep things fluid.
FRACTURE
PART II
VI: Here I am: I am here
It started, it started with a birth.
Here I am. (Chorus – reprise of opening)
Narration (Sam):
It started when I was 11 and told my father I wasn’t interested in my friend’s
Playboy magazine but found Dale, a cute high school boy, “more interesting”.
It started with a birth. (Chorus)
I am here. (Soprano)
Here I am. (Chorus and tenor)
My parents were both Southern Baptist missionaries. Out of their deeply held faith and misguided love,
they took me to a conversion therapist to cure me of my homosexuality. He told me:
“You are the only gay person left alive. All the rest have died of AIDS.
You are an abomination in the sight of God.”
It started with a birth. (Chorus)
Here I am. (Chorus)
God hates me. God hates Sam. (Tenor)
VII: The Treatment/The Cure
Burning ice/touching men, burning cold/kissing men, burning, heating coils/touching men,
heating coils/holding men, needles, small needles, electric shock/sex with men,
electric shock/wanting men, wanting, hell on earth. I want to die. (Chorus)
I want to die. (Tenor)
Narration (Sam):
My hands were bound to a table with leather straps. Blocks of ice were placed in each hand.
My conversion ‘therapy’ consisted of images of men holding hands paired with physical pain.
Then the ‘therapist’ used hot copper coils. Finally, he showed me images of men engaged in
sexual acts while electrodes delivered shocks to my fingertips.
I want to die (Tenor Solo)
VIII: Dear God, Make Me Straight (tenor and soprano solos with chorus)
Dear God, dear God, dear God, make me straight.
Dear God, dear God, make me straight. (Tenor Solo)
I will love you, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Dear God, dear God, dear God, make me change.
Dear God, I’m dying. This will kill me.
Dear God, I am completely alone. (Tenor Solo)
Dear God, make him straight, make him change.
I will love you, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Save his soul, go to heaven, save your soul, just change (Chorus)
Dear God, dear God, make me straight.
Dear God, dear God, make me change. (Tenor Solo)
Just change. (Chorus)
I will love you again, if you just change. (Soprano Solo)
Dear God, dear God. (Tenor Solo)
At the Crossroads #2:
Alone. Sequestered. Hidden. Afraid. Stranded. Tortured. Ruined. God hates me.
Alone. Abandoned by God. Sequestered. Alone. To die. (Chorus)
Mommy, I tried. I really tried. (Tenor)
Narration (Sam): I was going to jump off the roof, and my mom found me. I told her that
God had changed me. I lied. I wanted the pain to stop. I knew it was a sin to lie,
but it was a greater sin to commit suicide. Mommy, I tried.
MIMI
At the crossroads #3
Lost, stranded, walls, shutting down, pain, doesn’t belong…with the girls, with the boys.
Lost. Em’s pain. Em’s palpable pain. Em is lost at the crossroads. (Chorus)
Narration (Mimi): You cried: “What’s wrong with my body? Why did God make me like this?”
Em’s Lost. Show her the way. (Chorus)
What is the way? (Narrator: Mimi)
How can we know, at the crossroads? (Chorus)
What if? (Narrator: Mimi)
IX: A Mother’s Love (2) (Soprano solo with chorus)
So how much do we love you?
Eternally.
The length and width of the universe, and then some.
And then some.
And then some.
Narration (Mimi): You sat at the edge of a gaggle of girls…and looked up at a group of boys
being disciplined by their mothers for running amok…and the look on your face skewered me.
It was a hunger I had never seen before. You weren’t confused. You knew where you belonged.
X: The time is now
Tenor solo: I want to be a boy, always. I want to be a boy named Jacob.
Soprano solo: I believe you.
Chorus: We believe you.
You know where you belong.
Soprano solo: Jacob, my love.
EPILOGUE: Love Letters
A letter to My Younger Self: “Oh beautiful, Little Sam”
Oh, little, beautiful Sam. There’s nothing to change. You are a perfect, beautiful little boy.
Live life, little Sam, and know that you are loved.
Narration (Sam): Oh, little beautiful Sam. I, the grown up you, am here to tell you that you tried more
than you ever should have. I wish I could have been with you on the rooftop when you tried to take your life.
But I am here now, to thank you for surviving. [You will live to meet your love on a special day.
And it will feel beautiful. You will ask him to marry you, and he will say yes]. Live life, little Sam, and
know that you are loved.
A Letter to My Son: “Jacob, my love”
Narration (Mimi): I have seen and wish to share remarkable things. In those early days as Jacob,
I saw the most authentic parts, in the deepest reaches of you, begin to unfold. I saw you take your first huge breaths.
At first there was a silence, as you paused to take in the new world around you, and then you roared: I AM HERE!!
It was then that I realized that we had indeed met before, but I had not truly recognized you that first time.
[It was then that my grief began to depart.]
Soprano solo:
I knew in my soul that you had always been my son, Jacob.
And so always,
All my love, Mom.
Chorus:
Here I am. I am here.
Narration (Sam): Live life, little Sam.
Narration (Mimi): Jacob, my love, always, my love.
Chorus:
You are loved.
I am here.